Ninjas do Ninja-like things

So the recent downlow on the ninja journey is that tons of people have been explaining to me that many of my actions are not ninja "per se". Well, in response to these folk all i can say is that clearly my moves are not ninja. If my moves were in fact ninja then I would be a ninja. I am not a ninja. Ninjas are the most bad ass forces of power the universe has ever seeing. I clearly am not yet at ninja status... Though I strive closer to my goal every day inch by inch...

Totally Ninja!

Today I went on a walk. This "walking park "will be identified as a "walking park" for the remainder of this story. This "walking park" also had a dog park. When I was jogging at a brisk pace a dog suddenly became overwhelmed with aggressive feelings. I calmly went over to the ferocious 11 foot beast. Also, the beast was spitting fire at people and insects. Then the beast saw me and said "You, over there, I am Alfonzo, I will rule the world!" I then calmly and comfortably approached the monstrous beast. I then went up to the beast and put forth my hand as a gesture of respect. Then the beast swallowed a human whole and said "human, you have earned my respect." Then it walked the other way.

This is my totally ninja thing that I did today.

Authors note to reader: So when i was talking about the crazy ferocious beast i might have slightly exaggerated the size of the puppy. I also had mentioned that the puppy can breathe fire. That might be an exaggeration too. But everything else i said was totally true... Including the dog talking part.

Giving the necessary respects.

I recently had a post that identified a "super bad ass technique" by Jean Claud Van Damme in bloodsport (see "Something I want to do"). My sister identified that Jean Claud Van Damme did an equally (though she claims "more") awesome move later in the movie. She identified the moment when Jean was doing the splits and meditating. That was some crazy ninja stuff!

Ninjas and Time

Ninjas have an incredible ability to be ridiculously awesomely efficient with their time. I don' t know how to manipulate or bend time like ninjas do so I don't really have much to say about this matter. As I develop as a ninja I will further report out on the "manipulation of time" technique...

Something that i really want to learn to do

Have you ever seeing that super awesome scene in Bloodsport when Jeane Claude Van Damme notices this babe is getting mistreated by this not cool dude. Jeane gets in the middle of it and the guy tries to get tough. Jeane steps back and goes "woah buddy. Lets make a deal. Take this coin here and put it in your hand. If i can grab the coin before you close your hand you let the girl go. If I don't grab it you keep the girl". Then he attempts to grab the coin. The not cool guy laughs and says "I get the girl. ha ha ha." Jeane then in a super bad ass way says "check your hand". The dude looks in his hand. The guy then realizes that Jeane switched the coin in his hand with another coin. Then Jeane shows the man the original coin. It was so awesome!

I want to be super bad ass and do this. I haven't yet decided if i would like to do it to save the life of an attractive female that I have never met prior to that very minute... But I definitely would like to at minimum be able to switch the coins and then state in a super bad ass way "check your hand." The problem that might arise is that I will feel really bad if I mess up and then the not cool guy gets to take the girl. Or what if i make a mistake and I accidentally replace the coin with the exact same type of coin I took?Then I will have to get in a debate about if I really took the coin or not.

Regardless, I want to do stuff like this that would make me super duper cool.

The ninja to-do list

The following are a list of to-do's to become a ninja. Once, I complete these I won't yet be a ninja but without these I won't be a ninja...

1. Attain 6 pack abs.

2. Develop a wicked round house kick.

3. Watch all of Jet Li's movies.

4. Become a black belt in Aikido.

5. Increase my vertical jump by 18 inches.

6. Learn to write in cursive with my left hand.

7. Be able to speak at minimum 3 languages

8. Get a cool ninja outfit that fits my measurements.

9. Break a brick with my bare hands.

10. Be able to jump from house to house silently in the dark of night.

11. Be able to hold my breath under water for 55 seconds.

12. Look good in a ninja outfit.

Why doesn't a ninja run for president?

Early on in my training I had many questions about ninjas and their future desires. Recently I was asked the question: why doesn't a ninja ever run for president? I think this is a really great question. I mean ninjas are awesome, savvy, intelligent, can dissappear into thin air, and can also predict the future. I really think that the ninja's ability to predict the future would be beneficial as the president of the United States.

I think one of the major impediments that has prevented the ninja from becoming president are his publicly disclosed statements on his opinions about the UN and Jesse Jackson. The following are some direct quotes the ninja has stated about the UN: "I don't like the UN". A deep analysis of this quote would likely leave many people to believe that the ninja dislikes the UN (though it could be debateable). In terms of Jesse Jackson the ninja recently publicly stated "I don't trust this man". Most political analysts have agreed that based on the words used in this statement it is fair to say that the Ninja does not trust Jesse Jackson.

Now, one may still think to themselves "what's the big deal I don't like the UN and I don't trust Jesse Jackson either". The problem is that the Ninja's public opposition to the UN will make him vulnerable to political isolation from the outside world. Also, the ninja's public distrust of Jesse Jackson will likely lead to Jesse conjuring his secret Weapon... Jesse would claim the Ninja is a racist. These two things among some other reasons (it's a big responsibility, it might be hard, he won't get a full 8 hours of sleep) is why the ninja does not run for president.