Ninjas do Ninja-like things

So the recent downlow on the ninja journey is that tons of people have been explaining to me that many of my actions are not ninja "per se". Well, in response to these folk all i can say is that clearly my moves are not ninja. If my moves were in fact ninja then I would be a ninja. I am not a ninja. Ninjas are the most bad ass forces of power the universe has ever seeing. I clearly am not yet at ninja status... Though I strive closer to my goal every day inch by inch...

Totally Ninja!

Today I went on a walk. This "walking park "will be identified as a "walking park" for the remainder of this story. This "walking park" also had a dog park. When I was jogging at a brisk pace a dog suddenly became overwhelmed with aggressive feelings. I calmly went over to the ferocious 11 foot beast. Also, the beast was spitting fire at people and insects. Then the beast saw me and said "You, over there, I am Alfonzo, I will rule the world!" I then calmly and comfortably approached the monstrous beast. I then went up to the beast and put forth my hand as a gesture of respect. Then the beast swallowed a human whole and said "human, you have earned my respect." Then it walked the other way.

This is my totally ninja thing that I did today.

Authors note to reader: So when i was talking about the crazy ferocious beast i might have slightly exaggerated the size of the puppy. I also had mentioned that the puppy can breathe fire. That might be an exaggeration too. But everything else i said was totally true... Including the dog talking part.

Giving the necessary respects.

I recently had a post that identified a "super bad ass technique" by Jean Claud Van Damme in bloodsport (see "Something I want to do"). My sister identified that Jean Claud Van Damme did an equally (though she claims "more") awesome move later in the movie. She identified the moment when Jean was doing the splits and meditating. That was some crazy ninja stuff!

Ninjas and Time

Ninjas have an incredible ability to be ridiculously awesomely efficient with their time. I don' t know how to manipulate or bend time like ninjas do so I don't really have much to say about this matter. As I develop as a ninja I will further report out on the "manipulation of time" technique...

Something that i really want to learn to do

Have you ever seeing that super awesome scene in Bloodsport when Jeane Claude Van Damme notices this babe is getting mistreated by this not cool dude. Jeane gets in the middle of it and the guy tries to get tough. Jeane steps back and goes "woah buddy. Lets make a deal. Take this coin here and put it in your hand. If i can grab the coin before you close your hand you let the girl go. If I don't grab it you keep the girl". Then he attempts to grab the coin. The not cool guy laughs and says "I get the girl. ha ha ha." Jeane then in a super bad ass way says "check your hand". The dude looks in his hand. The guy then realizes that Jeane switched the coin in his hand with another coin. Then Jeane shows the man the original coin. It was so awesome!

I want to be super bad ass and do this. I haven't yet decided if i would like to do it to save the life of an attractive female that I have never met prior to that very minute... But I definitely would like to at minimum be able to switch the coins and then state in a super bad ass way "check your hand." The problem that might arise is that I will feel really bad if I mess up and then the not cool guy gets to take the girl. Or what if i make a mistake and I accidentally replace the coin with the exact same type of coin I took?Then I will have to get in a debate about if I really took the coin or not.

Regardless, I want to do stuff like this that would make me super duper cool.

The ninja to-do list

The following are a list of to-do's to become a ninja. Once, I complete these I won't yet be a ninja but without these I won't be a ninja...

1. Attain 6 pack abs.

2. Develop a wicked round house kick.

3. Watch all of Jet Li's movies.

4. Become a black belt in Aikido.

5. Increase my vertical jump by 18 inches.

6. Learn to write in cursive with my left hand.

7. Be able to speak at minimum 3 languages

8. Get a cool ninja outfit that fits my measurements.

9. Break a brick with my bare hands.

10. Be able to jump from house to house silently in the dark of night.

11. Be able to hold my breath under water for 55 seconds.

12. Look good in a ninja outfit.

Why doesn't a ninja run for president?

Early on in my training I had many questions about ninjas and their future desires. Recently I was asked the question: why doesn't a ninja ever run for president? I think this is a really great question. I mean ninjas are awesome, savvy, intelligent, can dissappear into thin air, and can also predict the future. I really think that the ninja's ability to predict the future would be beneficial as the president of the United States.

I think one of the major impediments that has prevented the ninja from becoming president are his publicly disclosed statements on his opinions about the UN and Jesse Jackson. The following are some direct quotes the ninja has stated about the UN: "I don't like the UN". A deep analysis of this quote would likely leave many people to believe that the ninja dislikes the UN (though it could be debateable). In terms of Jesse Jackson the ninja recently publicly stated "I don't trust this man". Most political analysts have agreed that based on the words used in this statement it is fair to say that the Ninja does not trust Jesse Jackson.

Now, one may still think to themselves "what's the big deal I don't like the UN and I don't trust Jesse Jackson either". The problem is that the Ninja's public opposition to the UN will make him vulnerable to political isolation from the outside world. Also, the ninja's public distrust of Jesse Jackson will likely lead to Jesse conjuring his secret Weapon... Jesse would claim the Ninja is a racist. These two things among some other reasons (it's a big responsibility, it might be hard, he won't get a full 8 hours of sleep) is why the ninja does not run for president.

An Interview with a ninja

Below is an excerpt from a recent interview I did with a ninja. It was pretty eye opening. I learned a lot about ninjas and life. Hopefully some of it will be as rewarding an experience for you as it was for me.

NIT(ninja in training. This is me): Hello mysterious ninja person, how is your day.

SCAN (Super cool awesome Ninja): ..... ...... ..... .....

NIT: I heard that you are extremely cool and bad ass. Is this true?

SCAN: Super cool awesome ninja agrees with this statement.

NIT: Well, that was interesting. Let's get straight to the meat of this interview. I heard that you can do a front flip but not a back flip. Can you elaborate on this?

SCAN: INCORRECT! Super Cool Awesome Ninja can do a front and back flip. [Ninja then kicks out chair and does a front flip then somehow while still in the air completely changes his direction and does a backflip]

NIT: Wow, I learned a lot from that. So I heard a rumor that you have been dating Tori Spelling?

SCAN: Wrong! Super Cool Awesome Ninja only dates brunettes!

NIT: Oh man, I never would have guessed that. are you able to levitate and control people with your mind?

SCAN: Yes!

NIT: That is so cool that you can do that Super Cool Awesome Ninja. Who is your favorite character to be in Street Fighter?

SCAN: Super Cool Awesome Ninja always uses Dhalsim. Super Cool Awesome Ninja is unstoppable with Dhalsim.

NIT: What a shocker. I didn't expect that. Well, this has been a great interview. Thanks for your time

SCAN: [disappears into thin air]

Clarifying the rumors

Recently I've been hearing some unfortunate words spread around the grapevine. Some people have been questioning if I really should be pursuing my dream of becoming a ninja. Below I will address some of these issues:

Issue #1: You can't pursue your ninja dream in this current economy

You are wrong. Clearly whoever has been spreading this has little knowledge on ninjas. Ninjas are extremely economical with their cash flow. Ninjas are not cheap but they are frugal. They run on a monthly budget and are extremely organized with their finances. Why is a ninja so organized with his money? It is simple. It is because a ninja does not have the time to stress or worry about money. If his energy is taken up by concerns of paying his bills he cannot focus on his Ki (pronounced "chee"). Therefore in the process of becoming a ninja my life will only become more financially viable.

Issue #2: "I heard that ninja's don't have sex. Is this true?"

This is a complete and total lie made out of thin air. Ninja's can have sex. Now, of course ninjas are super bad ass so consequentially there are many whom desire to be a ninja's partner. This can be dangerous for a ninja because the second he starts pulling a "Lil Wayne" (making lots of babies) he is no longer living the life of a ninja.

Issue #3: What is your favorite type of food? how often do you eat it?

I like all mexican food. I probably eat it 3 to 5 times a week.

Issue #4: "I heard that ninja's don't have sex. Is this true?"

Why would you bring up the same issue twice... That is stupid and a waste of my time. See "Issue #2".

Issue #5: "I heard you lost a step. Is this true?"

This is only true if by "lost a step" you meant to say "has gotten even more awesome then ever before". If you do in fact mean "lost a step" when you stated "lost a step" then this is incorrect and a flat out bold faced lie!

A poem about ninjas #1

Ninja oh Ninja,

How is thee so cool?

Anyone who mess with you... a fool!

You rain down with fists of fire,

And never tolerate the integrity of a liar.

You super rock,

I own a black sock.

Ninja oh Ninja

Female Ninjas

Unfortunately there is a huge misconception that has occurred. It appears that the word around town is "There aint no woman ninjas". Well, let me be the first to state "no way man!"

Ninjas can be male or female. Actually female ninjas are some of the most self-respecting super chill awesomest woman in the world. They are smart, funny, engaging, and well read. A female ninja does not need to be beautiful but her personality and energy will illuminate beauty hence causing all who know her to find beauty in her. She has excellent balance in her soul and in her life. A ninja female has a quiet strength that need never be stated.

So if you are one of the misguided young men out there that does not believe in the female ninja I mean it when I say "open your eyes brother". They are present and in front of us.

Ninja Book Time!

There is no doubt in my mind that ninjas are super smart and that the only way a ninja gets so smart is if he reads tons of books in his spare time (between fighting evil and taking ninja classes). As a student of ninja-ness in the making I have a few books I'm reading to help me along my journey. Below is a book that helped encourage me to pursue my dream to become a ninja...

No more Mondays by Dan Miller

This book is outstanding. The main focus of this book is encouraging the reader to go out and find work they love. The book is titled "No More Mondays" because Dan Miller strongly believes that we don't have to dread Mondays. Through research and real life examples Dan provides extremely beneficial knowledge to all willing to read this book.

This book has unquestionably changed my life. Dan Miller has helped me beleive that I can do anything I want to do... So i'm going to become a ninja.

To be a ninja, To not be a ninja...

Things I do that make me ninja-esque

1. I look good in black.

2. I am good at doing forward and backward summersaults.

3. I have a Sensei.

4. I train in martial arts 3 to 5 days a week.

5. I have dark hair.

6. I studied all of Jean Claude Van Damme's movies.

7. I have a bokken (wooden sword).

8. I can jump pretty high

9. I can speak some Japanese.

Things that prevent me from being totally ninja.

1. I can't break a brick with my bare hands.

2. I can't throw a blue fireball.

3. My middle name is David (I don't know any ninjas named "David")

4. I haven't beat street fighter on the hardest difficulty.

5. I don't have a ninja outfit.

6. I don't know how to disappear into thin air.

On my journey to become a ninja I am sure I will discovery many more strengths as well as weaknesses

domo arigato gozaimasu

Izmael Arkin

Breaking a Brick would be a huge deal

There are a variety of things that super cool people can do. These include the obvious such as: dunking a basketball, moonwalking, and being double jointed in cool ways. Now a less common way of being super cool is to be able to break a brick with ones bare hands.

However the brick is broken as long as the destruction of the brick is solely from the use of ones hands then it is unquestionably bad ass. Can I break a brick with my barehand? No I can't. If I could I wouldn't waste my time on this blog. I would spend all my time taking videos of myself breaking bricks and then posting it on youtube. I would probably get like 50,000 views with an average star rating of 4.27. I then would bask in my glory and have statistical data from youtube as evidence of my superb awesomeness. Unfortunately, I can't break a brick so it leaves me stuck with the option of writing this blog and daydreaming about how awesome I would be if I could break a brick with my bare hands.

One of the major benefits of not being able to break a brick with my bare hands is that I don't have any illegitimate children. The simple reality is that if I could break a brick with my bare hands I would have all types of babes after me. At some point, I would be bound to give in. And before you know it, I'm somebody's "baby daddy". It would definitely not be ninja-like to have an illegitimate child.

At the same time, it would be pretty f'ing sweet to break a brick with my bare hands. Oh the struggles of a ninja in training...

Why are ninja's so darn awesome to me?

Hmmm... As long as I can remember I have always loved ninjas. I loved the ninja turtles, bloodsport, Billy Blanks (this was before Thai Bo, He was an awesome martial arts actor), Bruce Lee, Sub-zero, Scorpion, Ryu, Ken (if you get the last 4 references your awesome), Ninja Gaiden, Jean Claude-Van Damme, and of course Milo and Otis.

In 5th grade I was an above average size child. Somehow at a very young age I had succumb to the belief that milk was so good for me that if I drank it I would become thinnner. The problem is that if any human being drinks 8 to 10 glasses of 2% milk a day they are going to become fat. That is 40 to 50 grams of fat from milk alone. This would be like eating a cube of butter. The fact that I wasn't morbidly obese baffles all scientific research and theory.

But back to the point. I don't' know what it is. As long as I can remember I have considered martial artists to be super bad ass. Then add a mysterious ninja way to it and I just think it is awesome. I really could care less if anyone agrees with me. This is not something I have a need to defend. Simply put, in my perception of the world Ninjas are bad ass. And I want to be one.

Not so Ninja #1

Today I lost my cell phone. This is not a normal occurrence. At the same time it occurs often enough that I wasn't surprised when it went missing. I had left it at my friends house. Every time I lose my cell phone My grand solution to find it always has to do with calling it... Yet, I can't call it because it is lost.

I will be sitting there on my couch thinking to myself "how am I going to find this thing?" Then it will hit like a lightning bolt "I'll call it and then I'll hear it". Then I soon realize that I can't call it because (as mentioned above) it is lost.

In the end I drove to my friends house and he handed me my phone. I walked out a better man, a stronger man, a kinder man, and most importantly a man with a phone.

My newest travels

Come July 7th I leave for Japan. I will be there for about a month. During this time I will be exploring a variety of cities and areas in which i may possibly end up living. I am interested in moving to Japan for a year but have not decided for sure. I figure travelling the country for a month will give me a sense if this is somewhere I would like to reside for a little while.

Initially this may appear off topic. Isn't this blog about becoming a ninja? Well, going to a far away land to a distinctly unique culture to a land of people whose language I don't know. I also will be training in Aikido while I am there. Sounds like i'm on my way to becoming a ninja.

What am I doing to become a ninja?

Look, i'm not the type of person to sit around all day and dream of becoming a ninja and do nothing about it. I am taking the proactive steps in my life to become a ninja.

What am I doing? I am setting everything up for a grand scheme to take over the world. Now of course, I cannot tell you the exact plan as this would make it way harder to pull off. Once, I have the world taken over it will be easy to become a ninja. Why? Well, because when i become all super powerful leader of the world I am going to make it a 4 day work week. This will give me one extra day in the week to become a ninja.

Totally Awesome Plan. I'm super awesome. I come up with great plans. I'm going to be a ninja.

What is a ninja?

Now this is a topic that can be discussed and debated on for hours. A ninja is mysterious. We all know this. They are also ridiculously awesome. Nobody really knows where ninjas come from or why they are so awesome. The bottom line is that a ninja is a mysterious human being that is ridiculously bad ass with super duper awesome combat skills. Through my research and study I have begun to theorize that many of the more modern ninjas are also delectable chefs.

According to Google a ninja is "a person skilled in ninjutsu". Talk about a ridiculous answer. If a 6th grade student turns me in a definition that includes the same word of the word being searched I tell him to go fix that crap up. Regardless based upon this definition it is clear to me that Google would rather waste my time with giving me crappy definitions of a ninja instead of simply providing the definition.

Bottomline: Ninjas are bad ass.